Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Wax me once, shame on me. Wax me twice... NEVER!

I know, two posts in one day!  But I had to share...

I've been looking into options for permanent hair removal.  The golden egg of course is electrolysis... but I don't have a few grand lying around to make me the smooth silken goddess I'd like to be.  Home laser therapy  is always a second option, but once you leave the electrolysis column you're treading water in the 'non-permanent but long-term removal' waters.  I figure that's not too bad, since everything I've been reading says most people with medium to fair hair like mine (color, thickness & growth) may actually damage the hair follicle over time, with enough repeated laser or waxing treatments, that it won't grow back.  I'm cheap...err, I mean frugal enough to take that bet!  I'm a fairly smart chick, am a fast learner and I can figure out how most things work.  This will be a piece of cake.

There are two top rated home hair removal laser products, both approved by the FDA... Tria and Silk'n.  Both range in the $300 - 400; less if you shop around (Amazon, etc).  Both sound great and get decent reviews, as long as I keep in mind that it's not "permanent" removal.  For pennies on the dollar of the price of electrolysis, I'm all in.  But wait!  I'm even more frugal than that!!  Why not start simple and use what's readily available to me!  That's right, a home wax kit.  Duh!  Right in my neighborhood pharmacy... how convenient!

So I buy my kit (which was on sale AND I have a $1.00 off coupon- score!), and I wait.  Well of course I waited; you've got to grow hair to wax it, right (smart cookie here).  I'm not a patient person, nor a hairy underarm fan, but I wanted to do this right.  I gave it 4 days.  That thankfully was enough, because I was starting daydream about hemp, mushrooms and Jimi Hendrix, lol.  I even waited until mid-afternoon, after I had gone to the gym, done house work and got in a good shower.  Step 1 - cleanse & dry the area...Check!  I got everything I would need laid out nicely on the over-sized bathroom counter... wax, strips, tongue depressors, scissors, talc.  Step 2 - be prepared... Check!  Step 3 - heat wax in micro... Check!  The microwave dings, I wait the instructed minute before taking it out, bring it to the bathroom, and I "stir from the bottom"... man this is going to be a no brainer.  I just hope it isn't too uncomfortable.

Pre-wax. No pics were taken post-wax, lol.
My first area of attack is my right under arm.  Eww, I hate a hairy under arm; especially on me.  I guess it really wasn't much but, eww just the same.  I evenly spread the wax over a section, press a piece of the paper/cloth strip over and rip... OH MY F*CKING WORD.  Are you shitting me with this?  Not a hair came out and my pit was covered in gooey wax.  So what should you do in this case?  I press the strip back on the same spot, rub it in and rip.  MOTHER OF GOD!  I look at the strip... nothing.  Seriously, ARE YOU SHITTING ME??  I lower my arm a bit then realize that it's still all waxed up and now my tricep is sticking to my boob.  Jesus, what a mess.  I begin to think back to am email I got a million years ago about a woman who waxed and wrote just the funniest story, and how that couldn't have really happened.  I need to speak to her.  She needed to take that story to press so we would ALL know the truth.  Okay, I'm a thinker and realize that baby oil gets out sap, so I go for the bottle, pour it over a cotton ball and dab.  Um, no.  Now I'm covered in underarm wax with chucks of cotton ball stuck to me... and I'm laughing hysterically.  Towel in hand, I hang over the sink, douse my pit in oil and rub feverishly.  That did the trick!  Yay me! 

What the hell went wrong?  I know, I'll go watch examples on You Tube.  Three videos down and I'm a pro.  Here I come left arm pit.  Dry, spread, rub and rip.  MUTHA FU$@#, how the hell did I do it again?  This stuff sucks!  At least on this side I tried a much smaller area then my gung-ho approach of last.  I decide that arm pits are too hard to do as my first try with waxing, so I repeat the oil pit bath on the left side... and grab a razor.  I may be waxing my legs next, but dammit to hell if I'm going to keep my shaggy pits.  Funny thing is that's the best shave I've ever gotten!  My underarms are smooth... and a festive sunburn color.  Damn you wax.

So I throw a leg up on the counter.  Yes, this will work much better.  I can see everything up close and personal.  The arm pit was too far away in the wall mirror :-/  I rewarm my wax and take a look at everything I have laid out.  Oh crap, I never used the powder.  Maybe that's why it was sticking so bad?  Trial & error and off I go.  Spread... ooh shit, I forgot the damn powder (I am not exaggerating)... oh well, I already have this crap on my leg.  Press the paper and RIP!  Not a hair was in the paper, but they were all sticking every which way in the Elmer's Glue on my leg.  OMG, I was ripping the wrong way.  "Smooth the wax in the same direction as the hair growth and rip the strip off in the opposite"... damn.  (did I mention how very smart I am?).  Oh my aching pits; it was all my fault.  I clean the goop off my leg because, well I'm a waxing virgin (other than my brows) and I was about to pass out by this time.  But goddammit, I was going to master this, so next time I would be a pro... a silky smooth goddess pro.

Next leg on the counter.  I've got this.  Powder (ahhh!!!), spread, paper strip and RIP!  YES!!!! We have lift-off!  And all I have to say to you regular waxers out there is ARE YOU ALL  $@!%;#* INSANE???  Do you one day get used to the pain or does the layer of skin with all of the nerve endings tear off after enough waxings?  Oh my cheese and rice!  I felt like I needed a safe word or something.  DINOSAUR DINOSAUR!  MAKE IT STOP!!  I can't even begin to think about the women (and maybe men??) that get Brazilians... WHAT THE..... no fricking thank you.  Wax 1, Me 0.  Game over.

This all took place less than one hour ago.  I had to write to you while the pain was fresh and the tingling on my skin was still active.  Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and happily shave my legs.  Anyone want a gently used wax kit, lol?

1 comment:

  1. I love that you used my safe word! DINOSAUR! I used to go and get my legs and bikini and underarms waxed very early in the morning when I was still very sleepy. You do get used to it after a little while but if you stop for a little, the pain comes back the first couple of times! Try laser hair removal. You might even find a groupon!

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