In a fleeting moment...

A coworker of mine stopped by this morning to use the fax and say hi, and we got to talking about a recent stray kitty the honey and I had taken in and finally found a home for. She had been someone that was interested, but unsure at the time. She was in the process of closing on a new house and already had way too much on her plate, never mind introducing a new furry baby into her life. And then she told me about Kylie...

About 2 weeks ago, her nephew found a young and very friendly kitten in the road. He was concerned that it would get hit or hurt (it walked up to anyone and anything), so he took it in and gave it a temporary home, with the excitement of giving it to his girlfriend after they got back from a long weekend at the beach. The girlfriend's parents (both of the kids still lived at home) were less than thrilled with the idea of having a new furry baby and offered a hearty "no way", so the kitten was offered to my coworker. She went over the their house (just a town away) to meet the kitten, thought she was "just the sweetest thing", and said she'd think about it.

The following morning, the local news headline read "Lee County man drowns at Panama City Beach". It was her nephew. He got caught in a riptide and was pulled under... while he girlfriend was watching from the beach. He was 26 years old. He had just begun figuring out 'who he was', had a good job, and had fallen in love. His name was Kyle.

The kitten he rescued? She lives with the girlfriend and her family. They named her Kylie.

Creaking floors and whispering ghosts

Hello Blog, how've you been? Me?? Pretty dang good (new word for me = dang). Getting closer to the edge though... 36 days, 20 hours, 16 minutes and 14 seconds to be exact. Summer was great and we got to see, touch and taste some fantastic experiences. Always a good thing.

So, here's September. Weather's still hotter than hot, sitting in the mid to high 90's... ug. I welcomed the month with an unwelcome business trip for the honey. Two days short of a week... alone... in this beautiful, but sometimes eerie house. Where the floors creak and the old walls and windows breath with the wind. Me. Alone. The one with the exorbitant imagination. Thoughts of the crazy neighbor to the right of us, memories of the break-in last summer, and a whole lotta violence in the community make my head spin to the point of whip-lash at every unexplained sound. Oh my. Momma needs a sleep aid, lol.

I started psyching myself up for (almost) a week's worth of evenings chillaxing in front of the computer with a glass of wine, editing & organizing photo's... it was just the time between Jay Leno and the morning news that I don't know how to deal with. So far, I've got 2 night's under my belt. One sans sleep and the other slightly restless, but leaving me with enough energy to muddle through 41 minutes on the treadmill this morning, lol. And it helps that I got my fav machine, located right in front of the TV tuned to ESPN. Rock on Sports Center. Hopefully each night gets better and before I know it the honey will be beside me again :)

Wish me luck, Blog. Talk to you soon...

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea...

What a rush the past 5 weeks have been. The Honey's youngest son has been with us for the summer. He just turned 7!! A super fun age... which really means nothing because I've never had a kid around full time. 7, 12, or 20... it's all new to me, lol.

In hindsight, I think I did alright with my new role of full-time summer Stepmom... but while it was happening, lol... oh there was some learning to be had. I found out where my real threshold for patience is and I am still very surprised to know how much I can tolerate... and if you know me at all, you get this. Now don't get me wrong, this kid is certainly no monster (actually he's very sweet), but he is seven... and I'm normally kid-free, and get to come home to a neat house , drink a glass of wine and have something other than Sponge Bob on the TV. (Can I tell you how much I hated that theme song? Can I also tell you how pissed I am that now I hum it and enjoy screaming SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS! Yeah, nice). I've learned that yes, he did hear me all three times and decided to ignore me because the TV (or Legos, etc) are more interesting and no, he can't put the hand towel back neatly and will always leave the bath rug looking like a race car just took off on it, all bunched against the cabinet (how the hell...??), and sometimes there's even a special gift left in the toilet due to a forgotten flush rule.

But then there's all of the other stuff... the infectious giggling, the random intelligent informational comments, the Spanish accent, the Publix buddy who drives a big plastic car shopping cart like no other and reads/crosses off from the shopping list for me, the way he's done so well remembering 'chores' (laundry in the hamper, trash in the barrel, feeding the cat dinner, setting the table), the pre-pajama naked streaking (LMFAO), the way he calls me by my full name with no pause between the first & last name (has ever since he started seeing it pop up on his dad's iPhone, lol)... and the way he gets excited when I pick him up from daycare and tells his teacher/friends "My mom's here!"

And the stuff kids say. How do you answer "Why do the brown people work back there?" while he's pointing at the deli counter that just happens to have all black employees that day and you're waiting for lunch meat or "Why did you buy a Lego eating cat?" after having told him to make sure he picks up Lego's when he drops them so the cat doesn't get them, lol. And we can't forget the question posed to a friend of "How old are you?", she answers 48... and his reply is "You're the same age as Obama".... OMG, how the hell would he know or care about that?? lol.

Trying to keep my biased opinion under control, I have got to say he's about the smartest little boy I have ever met... seriously. His reading level is off the charts, his comprehension is amazing, and his hunger to learn is awesome. The Honey, myself and his daycare teachers are all excited to find out what it is he does with his life... who he becomes. We all think it will something great :)

Which brings me to this week... the last week of his 6 week visit. At the beginning, I was happy to have him here, but guiltily looked forward to having 'my' time back, and our lives, house & schedule back to normal. But now I'm dreading this weekend's arrival. I'm afraid of the big giant gaping hole that his absence will create and the sadness that we'll be left with while we try to get back to what I thought was 'normal life' without him here. Sure, I miss being selfish with my time, having the house to ourselves, and having it just be us... but now 'us' has kind of morphed into a threesome. Something I didn't truly expect. I knew that I'd become attached (how can you not?), but not like this. And knowing that I won't get to see him again until next summer is breaking my heart. A little background, his stepdad currently holds a position for his company outside of the country, so traveling is limited to once a year for a while... no every other weekends or alternating holidays.

Who's going to shop with me? Who's going to keep me company in the car? Who's going to sleep in the Spider-man room? Who's going to beg us to go swim in the pool after work every day and do count-down Star Wars cannon balls? Who's going to watch Sponge Bob and leave Lego's all over the coffee table? Who's going to ask for Lucky Charms after daycare? Who am I supposed to pick-up at daycare now? And what the hell am I supposed to fill my time doing... the 'precious' time I craved to have back so badly 5 weeks ago?

So for the next few days, I'll act like everything is wonderful and enjoy him while I have him. And when we leave for Tampa to visit Nana for a bit, I'll be excited for him to be seeing more family before he leaves. I've got it all worked out up to Saturday. How in the hell am I supposed to look at that face at the airport and say goodbye without crying?

If someone could answer that for me, I'd be really appreciative... and very surprised.

Sincerely,
Maryannrogers

FYI... Tofurkey??...

... tastes like ass. Just saying.

Being someone whose sandwich selections are limited, I'm all about trying something new. Hmm, sliced tofurky... worth a shot right?

I can't even explain what it tastes like. I've never tasted anything like it - good or bad. It's a non-food; like cardboard or chair. I had even used it in a delicious stack of wheat bread, spinach, banana peppers & creamy horseradish sauce... bleck. It was how I'd imagine spongy, cold cork board would taste.

Yeah, I'm good with veggies.

School's out for summer...

Although I've been slacking on my blogging adventure, I have still been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting about life and my path. Something that has reared it's head often is going back to school... and every time the thought has come up, I've 'shushed' it and put it back on hold until it's a better time and place in my life to think about that. Well, what the hell am I waiting for?

So I allowed the thought process to begin about what exactly I would be interested in doing. The first thing that came to mind was, of course, business admin. It's what I know and have been doing most all of my working years... but I hate what I do. Day in day out, 8 - 5, the "behind a desk" monotony of it all. UG. Hmmm, time to... you guessed it, make a list. God how I love lists.

I wrote all of the things I enjoy doing and all of the things I've liked about past (and present) jobs I've held. And you know what I love? Interacting with people, story telling and being the center of attention. No no, not in a spoiled little brat way (well maybe sometimes), but I like talking to a group or crowd, voicing an opinion or making information known. Why didn't I make this list sooner???

I decided to take some time out of my extremely busy afternoon schedule (yawn) and check out the courses offered at a couple of the local colleges to see if anything tickled my fancy. And do you know what did? Journalism. Really?? Really. After looking through a bunch of course descriptions, I was surprised and thrilled to feel a weird little tingle in my belly when I started reading about the Journalism course. None of the others had done that for me... not even the culinary course (which is what I was originally thinking of). There are so many options with this study outside of just writing... media, broadcasting, publishing, advertising/marketing, communications/public relations... oh my! I had no idea, but then again I never thought to look :)
This is all definitely a process and there are no choices being made right now (just some food for thought), but I needed to jot this down so I could go back and read it later and see if it still makes sense to me. Kind of exciting to feel like I made a break-through! We'll see!!

Night night, termite...

I haven't made time to write and I've felt badly about it actually, figuring I'd put aside some time tomorrow... but this can't wait, lol.

I have this new problem (6 - 12 months now)... I can't fall asleep very easily, or when I do it's only for a few hours and then I'm up for a couple, back down for a couple... you get my drift. So today, I felt the urge to Google sleep remedies, insomnia, etc. and stumbled across a really great site/product called Pzizz (seriously, check it out). The produce is kinda pricey, but the website offers a trail of the daytime/stress reliever version and one of the nighttime sleep version. So right after lunch tie, I decide to give the daytime version a try... and you'll never guess what! I was in another world!! I was in this amazing on-the-edge-of-sleep coma... it felt great. My body was so heavy and comfortably relaxed! I was shocked to see that a whole 12 minutes had passed by when it felt like only 4 or 5.

So tonight, I decide I'm going to listen to the nighttime version and see how it works for me. With the honey lying beside me, reading work stuff on his business laptop, I rearrange my bod so I'm 'oh so comfy' and click 'Start'. OMG, it is so relaxing and comforting, with this soothing voice telling you how to let go and release the worries of the day... and as I'm slumping closer to relaxation... I hear snoring coming from beside me. LMAO, I guess this product isn't good for us when he's trying to get work done in bed!

K, back to trying for an early night's sleep. Just had to share that while it was fresh in my brain. He didn't stay asleep for long, but the it just made me giggle uncontrollably for a few minutes and thought I'd share :) Feel free to share sleep ideas with me... other than the norm of booze and sleeping pills, lol. Night-night!!

Meeting the folks... Weekend getaway #2

Our extended Memorial Day weekend turned out GREAT and we had so much fun! The weather couldn't have been nicer; the traveling was a breeze, and the honey met the fam & friends back home. Everyone loved him (of course!) and he loved all of them… really???? LOL, yup. He thought they were all a hoot and kept reminding me that everyone thinks their family is the worst, lol. Ahh, how true!! My mom is in love with him, my dad couldn’t seem to get enough of him, and my uncles all plan on running his name through ‘friends on the force’ to see if he’s clean, LMAO. Too funny.

Friday we went to breakfast at Owl Diner (YUM) and I had their famous quiche (kind of a feta/spinach pie in phillo dough, but with eggs and about 3 inches high… OMFG). Then we went with the folks into Boston to catch a Duck Tour. If you've never done this, do it!! It was great!! Late lunch in Little Italy (YUM) and desert at a café a few doors down (fresh cannoli & cappuccino!!). Oh my goodness, my belly was smiling! Fri night was awesome too! We met up with a few of my friends at Cobblestone's in downtown Lowell, and the conversation was flowing... and so were the drinks! I was feeling adventurous and decided to try numerous items off the drink menu, and low and behold… I got tanked. A last call for us was at The Worthern for a beer that I couldn’t even drink, lol. OMG... honey, take me to the drunk, I'm hotel.


Saturday morning was a challenge just to get out of bed. For some sick reason I felt the urge for us to go for a run by the river... hangover and all. After a combo walk-jog by the Merrimack, we went for breakfast at Vic's in Centralville, and I was harshly reminded that I was a vegetarian... oh pork pie, how I miss you!!! The rest of the day was spent at Hampton Beach with my folks, then an early dinner with my dad's side of the family. What FUN!! I haven't seen so many of us together in almost 10 years! You forget what characters you're related to after not seeing them for so long, lol. Dinner ended and we said our goodbye's around 7:00 and I already couldn't keep my eyes open!!... and we still had one more visit to make. OMG, let me just tell you, Bo and I met when I was 10, and when when you get her and I together after not seeing each other for about 2 years... look out! You couldn't have shut us up if you tried. But wait, what's this? Her husband seems to be as much of a story teller as she is, lol... oh my, they kept us entertained! So much for an hour or two visit... we got back to the hotel at midnight and I poured myself into bed.

Sunday... YES!! Sunday had arrived!!! We are one well-oiled traveling duo, I'll tell ya. Up, packed, breakfast with the folks, drive into Boston, early check-in & luggage drop off at the hotel, car drop off at Logan, then on the T (blue line to green line) to FENWAY to see my Boys!! WOO HOO!!! Let me just start with this... our hotel was fricking AMAZING. The honey snagged a phenomenal deal on Priceline for a room at the very funky/swanky Ames Hotel on Court St. All I can say is we are now ruined for any other hotel. The game was great! Sox won 8- 1 against the Royals... bitches. The remainder of the evening was a fun whirlwind of divine restaurants & local bars for our own mini-pub crawl through the Financial District. The night was finished at our hotel, sitting on the outdoor patio, sipping wine and sharing a tasty midnight snack. Yup, Sunday was a day of decadence. How the hell were we supposed to go back to work after all this???

Monday we slept in a bit, took showers in thee most amazing shower, then heading out to the T station to try to find our way to the airport. You'll never guess what... it was the easiest trip EVER! We T'd right into Logan, then took a shuttle to the terminal. That's it!! We were almost 3 hours early; a little on purpose so we'd have time for brunch, but we didn't think it would only take 20 minutes for the commute AND the luggage check-in. After a nice, uneventful flight to ATL, we hopped in the car and headed home!

What a fun weekend!! And to think... after meeting my insane, heavily Boston-accented group of family and friends, he's keeping me :) That's wicked awesome.

Weekend getaway #1

Hi-ho! hi-ho! It's off to Rhode Island we go!! Two weekend get aways back to back, oh my! No stress :)

All is set for trip #1 (last weekend 5/21) to attend the honey's brother's wedding. The game plan: fly out Friday straight after work, jump on a connecting flight in Atlanta, arrive in Boston at 9:30PM, grab a rental, and then off to RI to enjoy some late night cocktails with his family and have a wonderful, carefree weekend. I'm sorry, what's that? Bad weather in Atlanta? Our first flight is delayed??... that will be the word of the evening. Delayed.


In a nut shell, our 5:05P flight turned into a 9:15P... and we missed our connecting flight. No sweat! We are stand-by on the next flight leaving ATL, scheduled for departure at 11:05. Should be able to make that no problem. And we did make it, no problem... especially since it was delayed until 12:40AM. HOORAY!! They're finally boarding the plane and I'm going to take a nap. What do you mean they have a movie for free as a thank you for our patience?? Arrival in Boston at 3:30AM... and no sleep for either of us other than a 10 minute cat nap (if you haven't seen 'Leap Year' yet, it was cute... but not worth missing sleep over, YAWN). Hello AVIS!!!! Rental keys in hand, we hopped our happy arses into the very cute Hyundai and were off to Dunkin' Donuts (thanks GOD) and RI. Our final destination arrival time = 5:45AM. WOW, what a night, lol. All I can say is the honey and I get along really great, no no, I mean REALLY great! Only once each of being snippy, lots of laughs and some slap-happy singing along to the radio when we realized that yes, that was in fact the sunrise that we saw across the horizon... seeing me and Julio down by the school yaaaaarrrdddd...

What fun we had seeing everyone!! I had already met his whole family with the exception of his best friend/brother-in-law, who just wonderfully happens to be a fellow Masshole. Needless to say we hit it off smashingly! The laughs, the beers, the LAUGHS... OMG, the laughs!! I can't tell you how refreshing it is that his family is so amazingly great and CrAzY... and how utterly relieved and flattered I am that they've embraced me as a part of their clan :) Speaking of clan and the whole reason why we were up there... there's officially a new member of that family!! She's lovely, vivacious and down-right sarcastic... I think I love her, lol. Well, with a very full Saturday of lunch, dinner, drinks and dancing, and a sweet Sunday morning of breakfast, a stroll along the water and a quaint outdoor wedding, we were off again to return to hell... I mean the airport. Bye Family!!

Ok kids, snap count's on 2, on 2, Ready? BREAK! Into the car we rush off for a ... relaxing ride to Logan, really?? I guess the gods felt bad about Friday, because our drive was smooth and full of conversation and laughter, our return flights were on time, and the wine was tasty in the waiting lounge. Ahhhhh.

Home again home again, here we are.. 9:30P. That definitely will be a trip to remember :)

Can I go to sleep now???

Your heart pounds as the clock counts down...

One minute left... holy crap, did I get it? Will I be out bid... NO!! I WIN!!! Ahhh, the bliss of EBay. If you haven't made a purchase on EBay yet, I suggest you do so... immediately. The silly excitement of making a bid close to the ending time, then watching... waiting... sweating it out in hopes that some jack-ass doesn't jump in at 7 seconds and out bid you. And then you see that no one did and YOU WON!!


RED SOX!! RED SOX RED SOX RED SOX!!! I won the bid on a pair of tickets for next Sunday and we're going to see the RED SOX!! AT FENWAY!! I'm a little excited, can you tell? Yeah, lil' bit, lol. We've been looking for tickets for over a week now... asking here, Googling there, and hoping for a great pair at a great price. After a little patience, and a few lost bids on that she-devil EBay, we're good to go. Right field, 10 rows back, right by Pesky's pole... SWEET!!! (Pesky's pole is an infamous foul pole in Fenway).

Game on people :)

What's my problem anyway?! Part II

Bad bad me... I didn't finish this post yesterday... so I'm adding on today :)

Tuesday: Funny what an hour of running alone, a caring boyfriend, and great morning sex will do for you :) I feel good today, but I'm still thinking about what I wrote yesterday. It's like an out of body experience reading over what I wrote and how I felt. I guess I never remember how crappy I really feel after I'm not feeling that way an longer.

Wednesday: Man, I need to go on some good drugs, lol. Do I really get that depressed over my weight/body? Hmm, guess I do. Well, yesterday was a better day, and today is even better. My head seems be back on straight and I'm thinking clear. Have I figured out what my issue was/is? Who do I look like Dr. Phil?? (No? Good... he's an ass). Who am I kidding, thinking I can just take a day to reflect/meditate and figure out the what & why of my Debbie Downer days. I've got to just accept the fact that I'm human and am also among the gender with raging hormones that make me think like Charles Manson some days (hmm, me IS a genius, right??)

What I do know is that when I run, I seem grounded. No pun intended. I just need to find that something that keeps me motivated. It should be my reflection in the mirror or the little pink dress I have hanging in my closet that I want to slide into someday, but alas, it's not that easy. I guess I'm going to borrow a phrase from AA that got my dad through his 20 years... one day at a time. That's all I can do. That's all any of us can do, right? Just try to do our best each day and be in the 'now' (thanks Jeff). That's my step 1. Not too sure if I'll have 11 more or not, lol.

What's my problem anyway?! Part I

90% of the time I'm happy, energized, positive-thinking. But it's that other 10% that really kicks my ass. Pessimistic, negative, self-loathing, unworthy thoughts and convictions. Yuck. Today I was swimming in that 10 %... and I'm over it. I have got to figure out why.

I have the luxury (if you want to call it that) of having a job where I seem to have a lot of free time on my hands. Whenever I find myself in the 'bad place', I'm quick to surf the web for inspiring, motivational articles and sites that bring me out of my funk... but why the hell am I in a funk? Since I'm the queen of lists I started a fresh one, indexing the important parts of my life trying to determine what facet needed some attention. I began with the biggies.

My financial situation, which has caused me such strife in recent months, is blissfully stress-free at the moment. I'm at the tail end of my bankruptcy settlement (a whole other blog for a whole other day, lol), have a decent job that offers a decent wage (with great bennies), and have been told by the honey that "he's got my back". Which brings me to the next thing I've ruled out.

Relationship. And I have a word for this relationship. Serendipity.
ser·en·dip·i·ty – noun
1. an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.
2. good fortune; luck:(the serendipity of getting the first job she applied for).
I had the serendipity to have met the best man I've ever known. He is the most wonderful, caring, sensitive man... handsome, funny, intelligent... dorky, silly, engineer geek, lol. And he loves me. Me?

And there it is... that little mark after an innocent 2 letter word. Why would I question that he loves me? Or better yet, why he loves me. I'm worthy of him... aren't I? Sometimes I don't think so... and so begins a fresh list. This time cataloguing thing about myself that I like or I dislike. And when it's finished, I'm disheartened to admit that all of the items on my 'cons' list are physical attributes. How terrible to have such high self-esteem about my inner person, and so often dislike what I see in the mirror... or on the scale. Is the unhappiness with my body really directing my energy and karma??

After reading LOTS of material today and doing some reflecting, I'm in a better frame of mind than I was at 8:00AM... thank Buddha!! I think I'm going to pound some pavement and sleep on this. I'll get back with you in the morning.

Stinking update...

It seems in haste of killing the meat smell, I left the makeshift vent blockers in place while I went on a lunch date with the Honey.

My office is officially 82 degrees ... but it smells lovely :)

Oh the stink of it...

My office is located within a local hospital. I'm on the 2nd floor; one level up and on the opposite side of the building from the cafeteria. And some days I can smell meat. Nasty, cooking meat.

I'm a vegetarian. I'm not a preachy, soap-box standing, finger pointing vegetarian either. What I eat is my business and what you eat is yours. But if you have any knowledge of us non-meat eaters, you understand that sometimes the smell of cooking meat (and even raw deli meat) sickens us. And I think it all depends on the what and how of the meat and the preparation of it.

Here's my random/daily dilemma... when they cook burgers, sausage, or anything that's not very lean and offers up a lot of grease, I can somehow smell it in my office. Yes, the office that's a million miles away from the cafeteria. Now, I've been working here for 2 months and have yet to understand how in the hell that stink can permeate the halls and walls, into my little sanctuary of an office. And today it hit me... literally, like a ton of bricks... or a pallet of ground beef. As I walked toward the window, under which sits the A/C vent, I was overwhelmed by the hot, thick, sticky, stench of meat grease. It was like I pulled up a chair in a diner and started talking to the short order cook with the shaggy hair cut and cigarette hanging out of his mouth. I'm guessing that the A/C intake must be by the kitchen, and it's sucking in and belting out some of the most vile stench I have ever encountered... right into my office. I'm beginning to wonder if the meat they're cooking isn't downright expired it stinks so horribly, lol.

I shared this tidbit of my day with a fellow veggie, who was sad for me and getting nauseated by the overly descriptive emails I was sending. After quite a bit of deliberating over how I can alleviate the stink (due to there not being an on/off option in this office) my A/C vent is now covered by boxes of manila folders, mail parcels, and various office supplies to try and block the flow of air. And it worked.. well, a little.

Thank you B, for giving me something to laugh at for the rest of my day. To the average Joe walking by my open door, it just looks like I've got crap stacked on my window ledge... but we all know the truth, lol.

When I grow up, I want to be...

When I was a kid the answer to this was easy. I wanted to be a jockey. But I wasn't passionate about it. Seems I wasn't passionate about anything as far as my career path goes. And I'm sad to report that I still haven't figured out what my dream is... what I aspire to be or do. Now, to say that I don't have dreams would be wrong. I have many, just like anyone else. But in regards to employment/career/livelihood, I guess I never thought I'd still be wondering "what should I be doing with my life" when I got to this age.

I've held some pretty cool full-time jobs (bartender, wine shop manager, warranty manager for a major home builder) and I've taken some pretty crappy part-time jobs (telemarketing, Merry Maid, hostess at Wendy's... yes they used to have those) in my twenties, trying to keep the bills paid. I know some people that have had tens of jobs in their life (and still counting) and some that have had only one. And I don't envy either. I'm really blessed to have had the experience of my handful of jobs, in different industries, meeting different people, and in different situations. In every position I held, I've dealt with the public in some way, shape, or form, and I truly feel it is a huge part of what has made me how I am today... approachable, friendly, warm, sympathetic. So, I'm not denouncing the employment choices I made or the path I took... but I'm ready to find my niche. The something or someplace that makes me excited to leave the house each day, and look forward to returning the next.

But how do you narrow down what you like? I like a LOT of stuff, lol, and if you know me pretty well, you know that I think life is very 'shiny' (... ooohh, look a pony! SQUIRREL!). And for that I'm glad. I try to notice everything... cool looking trees, a field full of goats (god, I love goats), an eerie sunset, or a humorous sign at the local Maryland Chicken. I have spent the last 10 years of my 'job' life behind a desk... some of the time pretty cool, but albeit still behind a desk. One thing I know? I need interaction. People or animals or nature on some level. My mind is deteriorating sitting in front of this life-sucking screen, day in... day out. I am sick to tears over wishing for the end of the day to get here. That's like wishing my life away! I don't want any of it to rush by, so why not be doing something that make my days worthwhile and meaningful to me. I deserve that. We ALL deserve that.

So holy crap... what the hell am I going to do, LOL. Time to make a pros & cons list... a like it, love it, can't live without it list. I'll keep you posted... of course! Why else am I on a blog :)

Recovering catholic... it is what it is

So why now? Why start writing/blogging today?? It seems that an overdue call from my brother evoked a night's worth of stressful thoughts, pent up frustration and looming family questions. And that brought it all back... the guilt. Where in the world do I begin... is there an actual beginning without going back to the womb, lol?? Deep breath... I was going to start at NOW and go backwards; that's' right.

My live-in boyfriend and I are heading back to my hometown to visit my folks. This will be his first time meeting them and I'm terrified. You see, my parents are the Bunkers of the current era. My dad is the Irish, lovingly loud, over-bearing man of the house, who still calls women 'broads' and thinks that no one is good enough for me. And my mom is the meek, humorous, doting wife, who tries to "Mom" everyone, and is a little 'dizzy' sometimes; kinda like Edith, lol (and I'm following right in her footsteps, lol).  A few things about them? Well for one they're devout Catholics and visit church, if not go to a full mass, every day. I'm sorry, did I mention that they go EVERY DAY???  Guilt is a way of life people, lol. Another special treat is that they're not prejudice (seriously, they're not), but old school enough to innocently say 'those people' when referring to others of a different color, race or religion. without realizing that's a big no-no. How do children of 60-somethings and older, break this terrible habit? They're getting better, but UG. And one last thing I'd like to mention... they hate that I moved out of state. For the first two years, every phone call contained a toxic, guilt-ridden comment about how I "don't belong there" or "it's time to come home" or better yet "how can you do this to your mother". It will be 11 years in September and they still mention it on a regular basis. Really??

Which brings me to the angst I felt after hanging up the phone last night. Part of the discussion was that we need to start talking with my parents about where they want to 'be' when the time comes that they're too old to decide or take care of themselves. They're both quite proud of having everything arranged for their deaths - headstones, funeral, the works... right down to showing me the burial plot by the pretty tree, as my mom lay down on the grass to demonstrate. But they have yet to mention what they have planned for their ancient years.

When the line "well things change and you'd move back up here" rolled off of my brother's tongue, I could feel my face turning red. There was no argument or bitter words between us (as this was not an angry conversation), but for the first time he spoke about my moving... and I got to listen. He seems to think that I really 'lucked out' being the first to move away and how he's stuck there. So I reminded him of how much he and his wife love Virginia and had talked about moving there someday. Nope, can't do that. They would never let him do that. Again... really??

They're parents, right? Parents bring children into this world to raise and nurture them into bright, attentive people that will someday leave the nest, right? Wrong. In my family there seems to be a string attached to the nest that stipulates that you are only allowed to migrate within a 30 minute radius of the original nest. They are in New England. I am in Georgia. Do see my problem, lol? Yeah, well neither did I until last night. I am the problem. Not them or their disappointment or unhappiness of where I live. It's my inability to let go of the guilt and realize it's their issue to deal with, not mine.

An old wise man once told me "It is what it is..."... well, he's not really old, but pretty wise ;) Now to just figure out how to let it be...

And awaaay we goooo...

I created this space about a month ago... maybe more, and I have yet to decide on what exactly it is that I want to write, say or vent about. I have always been told that journaling is good for the mind and soul, and in 39 1/2 years I have yet to pick up a pen. Oh, don't get me wrong, I've bought plenty of flowery, swirling, and argyle patterned notebooks and diaries to log my thoughts, but what do I write... everything? Just random thoughts about stuff? An organized bulleted hour-by-hour outline of my day??? Am I over analyzing this? Maybe a blog is more my speed... yes, you crazy bitch... give it a try, lol.


Hi. I'm a 39 year old woman and who's turning 40 in 161 days, 10 hours, and 45 minutes... and I have no idea who I am. I know who I am... name, rank, cereal number (Grape Nuts, thank you), home town, parent's names and all that jazz; but I have no idea who I really am... what makes me tick. So I've succumbed to jounaling as a way to help nurture my personal development, relieve some stress and hopefully get to know a lot more about myself. Have an epiphany, if you will! And if you've decided to read this... you're in for a bumpy ride, lol.

I guess I'll start with the present, then trek backwards, into the dark side. It all seems to stem from back there... wayy back there, lol. Seat belt on? Click it or ticket,man. Here we go...