Weekend getaway #1

Hi-ho! hi-ho! It's off to Rhode Island we go!! Two weekend get aways back to back, oh my! No stress :)

All is set for trip #1 (last weekend 5/21) to attend the honey's brother's wedding. The game plan: fly out Friday straight after work, jump on a connecting flight in Atlanta, arrive in Boston at 9:30PM, grab a rental, and then off to RI to enjoy some late night cocktails with his family and have a wonderful, carefree weekend. I'm sorry, what's that? Bad weather in Atlanta? Our first flight is delayed??... that will be the word of the evening. Delayed.


In a nut shell, our 5:05P flight turned into a 9:15P... and we missed our connecting flight. No sweat! We are stand-by on the next flight leaving ATL, scheduled for departure at 11:05. Should be able to make that no problem. And we did make it, no problem... especially since it was delayed until 12:40AM. HOORAY!! They're finally boarding the plane and I'm going to take a nap. What do you mean they have a movie for free as a thank you for our patience?? Arrival in Boston at 3:30AM... and no sleep for either of us other than a 10 minute cat nap (if you haven't seen 'Leap Year' yet, it was cute... but not worth missing sleep over, YAWN). Hello AVIS!!!! Rental keys in hand, we hopped our happy arses into the very cute Hyundai and were off to Dunkin' Donuts (thanks GOD) and RI. Our final destination arrival time = 5:45AM. WOW, what a night, lol. All I can say is the honey and I get along really great, no no, I mean REALLY great! Only once each of being snippy, lots of laughs and some slap-happy singing along to the radio when we realized that yes, that was in fact the sunrise that we saw across the horizon... seeing me and Julio down by the school yaaaaarrrdddd...

What fun we had seeing everyone!! I had already met his whole family with the exception of his best friend/brother-in-law, who just wonderfully happens to be a fellow Masshole. Needless to say we hit it off smashingly! The laughs, the beers, the LAUGHS... OMG, the laughs!! I can't tell you how refreshing it is that his family is so amazingly great and CrAzY... and how utterly relieved and flattered I am that they've embraced me as a part of their clan :) Speaking of clan and the whole reason why we were up there... there's officially a new member of that family!! She's lovely, vivacious and down-right sarcastic... I think I love her, lol. Well, with a very full Saturday of lunch, dinner, drinks and dancing, and a sweet Sunday morning of breakfast, a stroll along the water and a quaint outdoor wedding, we were off again to return to hell... I mean the airport. Bye Family!!

Ok kids, snap count's on 2, on 2, Ready? BREAK! Into the car we rush off for a ... relaxing ride to Logan, really?? I guess the gods felt bad about Friday, because our drive was smooth and full of conversation and laughter, our return flights were on time, and the wine was tasty in the waiting lounge. Ahhhhh.

Home again home again, here we are.. 9:30P. That definitely will be a trip to remember :)

Can I go to sleep now???

Your heart pounds as the clock counts down...

One minute left... holy crap, did I get it? Will I be out bid... NO!! I WIN!!! Ahhh, the bliss of EBay. If you haven't made a purchase on EBay yet, I suggest you do so... immediately. The silly excitement of making a bid close to the ending time, then watching... waiting... sweating it out in hopes that some jack-ass doesn't jump in at 7 seconds and out bid you. And then you see that no one did and YOU WON!!


RED SOX!! RED SOX RED SOX RED SOX!!! I won the bid on a pair of tickets for next Sunday and we're going to see the RED SOX!! AT FENWAY!! I'm a little excited, can you tell? Yeah, lil' bit, lol. We've been looking for tickets for over a week now... asking here, Googling there, and hoping for a great pair at a great price. After a little patience, and a few lost bids on that she-devil EBay, we're good to go. Right field, 10 rows back, right by Pesky's pole... SWEET!!! (Pesky's pole is an infamous foul pole in Fenway).

Game on people :)

What's my problem anyway?! Part II

Bad bad me... I didn't finish this post yesterday... so I'm adding on today :)

Tuesday: Funny what an hour of running alone, a caring boyfriend, and great morning sex will do for you :) I feel good today, but I'm still thinking about what I wrote yesterday. It's like an out of body experience reading over what I wrote and how I felt. I guess I never remember how crappy I really feel after I'm not feeling that way an longer.

Wednesday: Man, I need to go on some good drugs, lol. Do I really get that depressed over my weight/body? Hmm, guess I do. Well, yesterday was a better day, and today is even better. My head seems be back on straight and I'm thinking clear. Have I figured out what my issue was/is? Who do I look like Dr. Phil?? (No? Good... he's an ass). Who am I kidding, thinking I can just take a day to reflect/meditate and figure out the what & why of my Debbie Downer days. I've got to just accept the fact that I'm human and am also among the gender with raging hormones that make me think like Charles Manson some days (hmm, me IS a genius, right??)

What I do know is that when I run, I seem grounded. No pun intended. I just need to find that something that keeps me motivated. It should be my reflection in the mirror or the little pink dress I have hanging in my closet that I want to slide into someday, but alas, it's not that easy. I guess I'm going to borrow a phrase from AA that got my dad through his 20 years... one day at a time. That's all I can do. That's all any of us can do, right? Just try to do our best each day and be in the 'now' (thanks Jeff). That's my step 1. Not too sure if I'll have 11 more or not, lol.

What's my problem anyway?! Part I

90% of the time I'm happy, energized, positive-thinking. But it's that other 10% that really kicks my ass. Pessimistic, negative, self-loathing, unworthy thoughts and convictions. Yuck. Today I was swimming in that 10 %... and I'm over it. I have got to figure out why.

I have the luxury (if you want to call it that) of having a job where I seem to have a lot of free time on my hands. Whenever I find myself in the 'bad place', I'm quick to surf the web for inspiring, motivational articles and sites that bring me out of my funk... but why the hell am I in a funk? Since I'm the queen of lists I started a fresh one, indexing the important parts of my life trying to determine what facet needed some attention. I began with the biggies.

My financial situation, which has caused me such strife in recent months, is blissfully stress-free at the moment. I'm at the tail end of my bankruptcy settlement (a whole other blog for a whole other day, lol), have a decent job that offers a decent wage (with great bennies), and have been told by the honey that "he's got my back". Which brings me to the next thing I've ruled out.

Relationship. And I have a word for this relationship. Serendipity.
ser·en·dip·i·ty – noun
1. an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.
2. good fortune; luck:(the serendipity of getting the first job she applied for).
I had the serendipity to have met the best man I've ever known. He is the most wonderful, caring, sensitive man... handsome, funny, intelligent... dorky, silly, engineer geek, lol. And he loves me. Me?

And there it is... that little mark after an innocent 2 letter word. Why would I question that he loves me? Or better yet, why he loves me. I'm worthy of him... aren't I? Sometimes I don't think so... and so begins a fresh list. This time cataloguing thing about myself that I like or I dislike. And when it's finished, I'm disheartened to admit that all of the items on my 'cons' list are physical attributes. How terrible to have such high self-esteem about my inner person, and so often dislike what I see in the mirror... or on the scale. Is the unhappiness with my body really directing my energy and karma??

After reading LOTS of material today and doing some reflecting, I'm in a better frame of mind than I was at 8:00AM... thank Buddha!! I think I'm going to pound some pavement and sleep on this. I'll get back with you in the morning.

Stinking update...

It seems in haste of killing the meat smell, I left the makeshift vent blockers in place while I went on a lunch date with the Honey.

My office is officially 82 degrees ... but it smells lovely :)

Oh the stink of it...

My office is located within a local hospital. I'm on the 2nd floor; one level up and on the opposite side of the building from the cafeteria. And some days I can smell meat. Nasty, cooking meat.

I'm a vegetarian. I'm not a preachy, soap-box standing, finger pointing vegetarian either. What I eat is my business and what you eat is yours. But if you have any knowledge of us non-meat eaters, you understand that sometimes the smell of cooking meat (and even raw deli meat) sickens us. And I think it all depends on the what and how of the meat and the preparation of it.

Here's my random/daily dilemma... when they cook burgers, sausage, or anything that's not very lean and offers up a lot of grease, I can somehow smell it in my office. Yes, the office that's a million miles away from the cafeteria. Now, I've been working here for 2 months and have yet to understand how in the hell that stink can permeate the halls and walls, into my little sanctuary of an office. And today it hit me... literally, like a ton of bricks... or a pallet of ground beef. As I walked toward the window, under which sits the A/C vent, I was overwhelmed by the hot, thick, sticky, stench of meat grease. It was like I pulled up a chair in a diner and started talking to the short order cook with the shaggy hair cut and cigarette hanging out of his mouth. I'm guessing that the A/C intake must be by the kitchen, and it's sucking in and belting out some of the most vile stench I have ever encountered... right into my office. I'm beginning to wonder if the meat they're cooking isn't downright expired it stinks so horribly, lol.

I shared this tidbit of my day with a fellow veggie, who was sad for me and getting nauseated by the overly descriptive emails I was sending. After quite a bit of deliberating over how I can alleviate the stink (due to there not being an on/off option in this office) my A/C vent is now covered by boxes of manila folders, mail parcels, and various office supplies to try and block the flow of air. And it worked.. well, a little.

Thank you B, for giving me something to laugh at for the rest of my day. To the average Joe walking by my open door, it just looks like I've got crap stacked on my window ledge... but we all know the truth, lol.

When I grow up, I want to be...

When I was a kid the answer to this was easy. I wanted to be a jockey. But I wasn't passionate about it. Seems I wasn't passionate about anything as far as my career path goes. And I'm sad to report that I still haven't figured out what my dream is... what I aspire to be or do. Now, to say that I don't have dreams would be wrong. I have many, just like anyone else. But in regards to employment/career/livelihood, I guess I never thought I'd still be wondering "what should I be doing with my life" when I got to this age.

I've held some pretty cool full-time jobs (bartender, wine shop manager, warranty manager for a major home builder) and I've taken some pretty crappy part-time jobs (telemarketing, Merry Maid, hostess at Wendy's... yes they used to have those) in my twenties, trying to keep the bills paid. I know some people that have had tens of jobs in their life (and still counting) and some that have had only one. And I don't envy either. I'm really blessed to have had the experience of my handful of jobs, in different industries, meeting different people, and in different situations. In every position I held, I've dealt with the public in some way, shape, or form, and I truly feel it is a huge part of what has made me how I am today... approachable, friendly, warm, sympathetic. So, I'm not denouncing the employment choices I made or the path I took... but I'm ready to find my niche. The something or someplace that makes me excited to leave the house each day, and look forward to returning the next.

But how do you narrow down what you like? I like a LOT of stuff, lol, and if you know me pretty well, you know that I think life is very 'shiny' (... ooohh, look a pony! SQUIRREL!). And for that I'm glad. I try to notice everything... cool looking trees, a field full of goats (god, I love goats), an eerie sunset, or a humorous sign at the local Maryland Chicken. I have spent the last 10 years of my 'job' life behind a desk... some of the time pretty cool, but albeit still behind a desk. One thing I know? I need interaction. People or animals or nature on some level. My mind is deteriorating sitting in front of this life-sucking screen, day in... day out. I am sick to tears over wishing for the end of the day to get here. That's like wishing my life away! I don't want any of it to rush by, so why not be doing something that make my days worthwhile and meaningful to me. I deserve that. We ALL deserve that.

So holy crap... what the hell am I going to do, LOL. Time to make a pros & cons list... a like it, love it, can't live without it list. I'll keep you posted... of course! Why else am I on a blog :)

Recovering catholic... it is what it is

So why now? Why start writing/blogging today?? It seems that an overdue call from my brother evoked a night's worth of stressful thoughts, pent up frustration and looming family questions. And that brought it all back... the guilt. Where in the world do I begin... is there an actual beginning without going back to the womb, lol?? Deep breath... I was going to start at NOW and go backwards; that's' right.

My live-in boyfriend and I are heading back to my hometown to visit my folks. This will be his first time meeting them and I'm terrified. You see, my parents are the Bunkers of the current era. My dad is the Irish, lovingly loud, over-bearing man of the house, who still calls women 'broads' and thinks that no one is good enough for me. And my mom is the meek, humorous, doting wife, who tries to "Mom" everyone, and is a little 'dizzy' sometimes; kinda like Edith, lol (and I'm following right in her footsteps, lol).  A few things about them? Well for one they're devout Catholics and visit church, if not go to a full mass, every day. I'm sorry, did I mention that they go EVERY DAY???  Guilt is a way of life people, lol. Another special treat is that they're not prejudice (seriously, they're not), but old school enough to innocently say 'those people' when referring to others of a different color, race or religion. without realizing that's a big no-no. How do children of 60-somethings and older, break this terrible habit? They're getting better, but UG. And one last thing I'd like to mention... they hate that I moved out of state. For the first two years, every phone call contained a toxic, guilt-ridden comment about how I "don't belong there" or "it's time to come home" or better yet "how can you do this to your mother". It will be 11 years in September and they still mention it on a regular basis. Really??

Which brings me to the angst I felt after hanging up the phone last night. Part of the discussion was that we need to start talking with my parents about where they want to 'be' when the time comes that they're too old to decide or take care of themselves. They're both quite proud of having everything arranged for their deaths - headstones, funeral, the works... right down to showing me the burial plot by the pretty tree, as my mom lay down on the grass to demonstrate. But they have yet to mention what they have planned for their ancient years.

When the line "well things change and you'd move back up here" rolled off of my brother's tongue, I could feel my face turning red. There was no argument or bitter words between us (as this was not an angry conversation), but for the first time he spoke about my moving... and I got to listen. He seems to think that I really 'lucked out' being the first to move away and how he's stuck there. So I reminded him of how much he and his wife love Virginia and had talked about moving there someday. Nope, can't do that. They would never let him do that. Again... really??

They're parents, right? Parents bring children into this world to raise and nurture them into bright, attentive people that will someday leave the nest, right? Wrong. In my family there seems to be a string attached to the nest that stipulates that you are only allowed to migrate within a 30 minute radius of the original nest. They are in New England. I am in Georgia. Do see my problem, lol? Yeah, well neither did I until last night. I am the problem. Not them or their disappointment or unhappiness of where I live. It's my inability to let go of the guilt and realize it's their issue to deal with, not mine.

An old wise man once told me "It is what it is..."... well, he's not really old, but pretty wise ;) Now to just figure out how to let it be...

And awaaay we goooo...

I created this space about a month ago... maybe more, and I have yet to decide on what exactly it is that I want to write, say or vent about. I have always been told that journaling is good for the mind and soul, and in 39 1/2 years I have yet to pick up a pen. Oh, don't get me wrong, I've bought plenty of flowery, swirling, and argyle patterned notebooks and diaries to log my thoughts, but what do I write... everything? Just random thoughts about stuff? An organized bulleted hour-by-hour outline of my day??? Am I over analyzing this? Maybe a blog is more my speed... yes, you crazy bitch... give it a try, lol.


Hi. I'm a 39 year old woman and who's turning 40 in 161 days, 10 hours, and 45 minutes... and I have no idea who I am. I know who I am... name, rank, cereal number (Grape Nuts, thank you), home town, parent's names and all that jazz; but I have no idea who I really am... what makes me tick. So I've succumbed to jounaling as a way to help nurture my personal development, relieve some stress and hopefully get to know a lot more about myself. Have an epiphany, if you will! And if you've decided to read this... you're in for a bumpy ride, lol.

I guess I'll start with the present, then trek backwards, into the dark side. It all seems to stem from back there... wayy back there, lol. Seat belt on? Click it or ticket,man. Here we go...