What's my problem anyway?! Part I

90% of the time I'm happy, energized, positive-thinking. But it's that other 10% that really kicks my ass. Pessimistic, negative, self-loathing, unworthy thoughts and convictions. Yuck. Today I was swimming in that 10 %... and I'm over it. I have got to figure out why.

I have the luxury (if you want to call it that) of having a job where I seem to have a lot of free time on my hands. Whenever I find myself in the 'bad place', I'm quick to surf the web for inspiring, motivational articles and sites that bring me out of my funk... but why the hell am I in a funk? Since I'm the queen of lists I started a fresh one, indexing the important parts of my life trying to determine what facet needed some attention. I began with the biggies.

My financial situation, which has caused me such strife in recent months, is blissfully stress-free at the moment. I'm at the tail end of my bankruptcy settlement (a whole other blog for a whole other day, lol), have a decent job that offers a decent wage (with great bennies), and have been told by the honey that "he's got my back". Which brings me to the next thing I've ruled out.

Relationship. And I have a word for this relationship. Serendipity.
ser·en·dip·i·ty – noun
1. an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.
2. good fortune; luck:(the serendipity of getting the first job she applied for).
I had the serendipity to have met the best man I've ever known. He is the most wonderful, caring, sensitive man... handsome, funny, intelligent... dorky, silly, engineer geek, lol. And he loves me. Me?

And there it is... that little mark after an innocent 2 letter word. Why would I question that he loves me? Or better yet, why he loves me. I'm worthy of him... aren't I? Sometimes I don't think so... and so begins a fresh list. This time cataloguing thing about myself that I like or I dislike. And when it's finished, I'm disheartened to admit that all of the items on my 'cons' list are physical attributes. How terrible to have such high self-esteem about my inner person, and so often dislike what I see in the mirror... or on the scale. Is the unhappiness with my body really directing my energy and karma??

After reading LOTS of material today and doing some reflecting, I'm in a better frame of mind than I was at 8:00AM... thank Buddha!! I think I'm going to pound some pavement and sleep on this. I'll get back with you in the morning.